Personal Hell Update...

Okay so I'm almost done. I just finished my Access exam (and passed I hope... gulp) I have a final presentation in twenty minutes and then I am done all but two of my classes. FEWF!

Things have been going... okay. I lost it last night and kept my poor fiance up until 2am freaking out about school and my future employment prospects. I am miserable here. I hate it. I want to go home (and no this is not my home now.) So I have a choice to make. Suck it up and stick with the love of my life, or move home. I seriously waiver on this every day (... well maybe if I just went home until July I could work... etc. etc.) The truth is that I am very happy in my relationship and I in no way want to jeopardize it, but is it worth being miserable all the time? I keep thinking it will get better and I am trying to see this as an opportunity for growth, but I am feeling so trapped here that I freak out.

There are good things about being here. I get to live with my amazing fiance and we bought a great house that I love. The problem is that this is such a closed society that you can't get work no matter how qualified you are and you can't make friends. I NEED friends. I cannot stand this solitary existence. I am not used to being this useless. I have ALWAYS worked and had a life of my own and now I am completely dependent on another person and I hate it! (even if that person is the best thing that has ever happened to me.)

I really do not want to bitch anymore. This is so unlike me. I used to be happy and fun! Hell since the frack when am I "The grumpy one"? I need to get a handle on all this somehow. I don't know how yet but I will. I am going to try out the new agey law of attraction. Like attracts like. If I stay positive, positive things will come my way. I will tell the Universe what I want (I want a good job in HR that challenges me and makes me feel like a useful human being again. I want to make friends. I want to get involed in my new community and to be accepted by that community.) and I will not doubt that it will come to me (money wouldn't hurt either! :) )

Okay Day 1 of the "Get back to myself challenge." Let's take this one day at a time.

Comments

Wanderlusting said…
Well originally I was going to tag Katy as the grumpy one but then decided you would take it more as a joke. And as you could see, Katy took the DRAMA QUEEN one very poorly so you can imagine what would happen if she was the grumpy one.

She IS the grumpy one, btw.

I know exactly how you feel. Rather, I know because my friend Kelly who moved to Montreal to be with her boyfriend/fiance went through the same thing (she moved from NZ to Van in 2004 and then from Van to Montreal in 2006).

She was almost fluent in French by the end but still could do no better than serving at a restaurant AND it took her years to get THAT far.

She also was very lonely and had trouble making friends and only made them in her last year there.

Finally she moved back home to New Zealand and he came with her. Now she is happy - she is a manager of a restaurant, she has friends and her family. Her fiance is happy too.

Then when they are done there, she said she'll probably move back to Van (she used to live here, has all her best friends here and that's where her and her fiance met in the first place).

Long story short, she sucked it up and put up with it for a long time but deep down she was misarable and just bearing it.

Now she is happier - but she left Montreal. Montreal is a hard, tough place if you don't have stuff already established there.

I don't know what the answer is but hopefully you and your fiance can come to an agreement. There has to be compromise.

If you say you will stick out there, give it a timeline so you feel better. Maybe two years? THEN he has to promise to move back to Vancouver with you after that. OR he comes with you to Van now and you move to Montreal after that...

That's how Kelly and Alex made it work. They both knew she wouldn't be there forever.

Write me if you need anymore advice or you want to talk!!!

Miss you!
March 20, 2009 at 1:53 PM
Kass said…
**BIG HUGS**

Such a hard thing to decide, I hope you do what's best for YOU and you alone.

Good luck sweetie.
March 20, 2009 at 8:56 PM
Cupcake Blonde said…
You sound exactly like me the first three years we lived here in vegas. And I still occasionally feel this way still. Isolated, alone, away from everything I know and love. It is a difficult difficult thing to do such a drastic change for the one you love. Believe me, I know. But in the end it is worth it. I can't tell you that it will get better soon, but it will get easier and you will find a way to adapt. I promise. :)

Plus, you have all of us! My blog helped keep me sane in those dark years.
March 22, 2009 at 7:04 PM
Mary Ellen said…
I think you have the right idea. Stay positive. I believe you get back whatever you put out into the universe - it's just the timeline that is sometimes messed up.

We're here for you, so try not to feel so alone. I believe in you!
March 23, 2009 at 6:54 AM
kim-d said…
Hey you! How are you doing now? I, too, am freaking out regularly now about the prospect of maybe not finding a job in my field after I've spent (borrowed???) all this money for school. Plus, there's the fact that this job is done the end of July, and prospects even for part-time employment don't look real good! So I totally and completely understand where you're coming from on that.

It is hard living in a place you don't like and that isn't home. Usually, having a great job makes things just a little easier, I think. When you don't have that, it can seem quite overwhelming, but I think the timeline idea seems to be a good one. Does your fiance have any ideas?

Just know that we're always here for you!
March 24, 2009 at 12:22 PM
kim-d said…
You absolutely crack me up! Thank you SO MUCH for the song. Definitely, definitely, definitely made everything better. BWAHAHAHAHA!

And how is YOUR personal hell coming along?

:)
March 27, 2009 at 8:44 AM
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