Diary of an ugly girl

I have had this post in my drafts for over a year. This is something that I just need to get out, but I don't know how without sounding crazy or shallow.  I am not nor have I ever been pretty and that's something that consumes me every single day.  Every day I am confronted by the fact that I do not meet society's aesthetic measuring stick and it is completely draining.

In a world obsessed with looks and beauty, I drew the short straw. I know this sounds dramatic and probably feels like I'm just another girl whining about her looks, but this is crippling.  I have zero confidence in my appearance and that stunts me in so many facets of my life.  I cry when I am trying to get ready to leave the house because I can't make myself look good enough.  I know that no one will ever love me because I can never meet anyone's expectations.  I silently berate myself when I'm out in the world for not trying harder.  When I'm passed over for a job or when my friends don't include me in something I know that my looks play a part.

One of my first memories is as a child being told by an adult that I had better study up because I am not the type of girl that could get by on my looks. I was told as a child that I couldn't wear certain clothes because I "didn't have the right body type." My Grandma used to tell me about her most vivid memory of me as a toddler telling her that my beautiful, skinny indigo child cousin told me I was fat. This has been going on since I was a toddler. I was bullied and tormented as a child and as a teenager.  While my friends were dating I was overlooked. I have strength in me, but this foundation still haunts me to this day.

Trust me, I know how crazy this all sounds, but I can't make it stop. I can't make myself unsee what I see when I look at myself.  I was listening to two girls at work talk about "how you know when you meet a guy and he's going to give you his number" and I realized that not only do I not know what that's like, but I also don't know what it's like to get hit on. I have zero idea what it's like to have someone single me out and want me. I have no idea, none.  I get it, this shouldn't be about attracting a mate and it not, entirely, this is about missing part of the experience. False validation is insulting and quite honestly more hurtful than helpful.  Trying to placate me with 'but you are pretty" makes me feel hurt and pathetic. I don't need to be shielded and lied to, trust me, growing up ugly makes you fairly resilient. You learn that the truth is hard, but that it is fact and somehow in a strange way that's comforting.

I have friends that tell me that they know how I feel. I wish that were true. I ask them if they know how it feels to have your peers feel that they have the right to comment on your looks. If they know the blow of having a perfect stranger tell you that you are homely or that they feel bad for you because you have such pretty friends. I wonder if they have ever known how it feels to be beautiful, even for a moment. I wonder if they know how it feels to have a compulsive need to be busy and work hard because when you stop you realize how empty and lonely you are. I feel like a failure because I can't get past this.  I can't just accept my body and my looks for what they are and embrace them and I've tried. I have tried so hard to love myself as I am, to be okay with my imperfect body and my unappealing looks.  I have tried to make friends with the person staring back at me in the mirror, but I just can't. If there's one thing that pop culture is obsessed with it's looks and right after that it's obsessed with loving yourself flaws and all.  But what if all you are is one big flaw?

No matter how hard I try to explain all this I just can't seem to come up with the right words.  All I know is that I am not enough, that I will never be enough and it's breaking me.


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