What's up, buttercup?

In the last 18 months my life has once again changed in ways I could not anticipate.  These changes fall into 2 categories (maybe 3):

The good:
I started an MBA program.  I am almost one year into a three-ish year program

I bought a townhouse and I live in it all alone!

The bad:
Very suddenly and unexpectedly lost my mare. I am still recovering from that one, I have major anxiety about that almost daily.

My precious little fluff muffin, Harley (my cat) developed kidney disease and a sarcoma on his jaw and had to be put down. I still miss him, all the time.

I had some major professional setbacks at work.

I injured myself at work, which has affected my life all around. I injured some nerves in my neck and dislocated a few ribs (do you know how easy it is to keep pulling your ribs out once they've been out once??) I haven't been working out for about the last year.  Remember all that progress I was making when I started my running journey? Well, that's all out the window. Sta…

Diary of an ugly girl

I have had this post in my drafts for over a year. This is something that I just need to get out, but I don't know how without sounding crazy or shallow.  I am not nor have I ever been pretty and that's something that consumes me every single day.  Every day I am confronted by the fact that I do not meet society's aesthetic measuring stick and it is completely draining.

In a world obsessed with looks and beauty, I drew the short straw. I know this sounds dramatic and probably feels like I'm just another girl whining about her looks, but this is crippling.  I have zero confidence in my appearance and that stunts me in so many facets of my life.  I cry when I am trying to get ready to leave the house because I can't make myself look good enough.  I know that no one will ever love me because I can never meet anyone's expectations.  I silently berate myself when I'm out in the world for not trying harder.  When I'm passed over for a job or when my friends d…

Please understand

Please understand that I don't see myself as you may see me.

Please understand that when you joke or make fun of me I take it to heart.

Please understand that I struggle every day to find something, anything that I like about myself.

Please understand that when I speak negatively about myself I'm not looking for validation and I'm not looking for you to tell me I'm wrong.  I am expressing something that I feel and believe to the very core of my being and it scares me.

Please understand that I would give anything to know what it feels like to be beautiful, to know what it feels like to be sexy, to feel desired.

Please understand that I hate being trapped in my head and I would give anything to get out, but this is where I am right now.

Please understand that I still need you in my life because I'm not sure how to make it through this alone.

Times they are a changin

Hello long-neglected blog, it's been a while.  So much has changed since we last got together and I don't even know where to start.

Basically in the last three years I have watched the world I built for myself come crashing down around me.  I am divorced, which is the last thing I ever wanted, yet here I am.  I lost my life as I knew it, my future as I knew it and now I am here on the other side of the country picking up the pieces and trying to figure out where I go next.

It's not all bad news though, I did get back to the west coast and I am working for a company I love, doing something that I always dreamed of doing, but I'll get to that eventually.

This is my first step on my new journey.  I'll explain where I've been as I try to figure out where I'm going.

How lucky am I?

I just registered for the 2012 Disneyland Half Marathon.  That means that within a year I will be going to Disney World and Disneyland to run!  How awesome is that?

Detox Day 10

Detox phase: 2
Foods I can eat: Fruits, Vegetables, Nuts, Seeds, Fish and legumes
Cheats: 6 (Arg)

What I ate today:
Breakfast: Berry Smoothie
Lunch: whoops
Snack: Carrots and hummus
Dinner: Salmon and Bok Choy

So I'm on day 10 and I am crashing and burning pretty bad.  I'm not going to lie I felt like crap until I started cheating a bit and then my life became worth living again.  Before cheating I was STARVING all the time and all I wanted to do was eat tons and tons of crap, but then I ate a couple (literally probably like 5-6) potato chips and my entire outlook changed.  Suddenly my life wasn't about obsessing about food and what I could and could not eat, I was instead able to see my life clearly.  So yes I may have had a few slips (said chips, 2 spoonfuls of pb&j, 2 x a quarter pint of ice cream and I can't remember the last one) but I have been sticking to it besides that.  I am not going to totally fall off the wagon and abandon the whole thing, but if I need someth…

Detox Day 4

Detox phase: 1
Foods I can eat: Fruits, Vegetables, Nuts and Seeds
Cheats: 0 (YAY ME!!!)

What I ate today:
Breakfast: Green Machine Smoothie
Lunch: Butternut Squash Soup
Snack: dried fruit and nut balls
Dinner: Roasted Red peppers, Cauliflower, Sweet potato and toasted almonds

Okay so I am on day 4 of the first week of the Whole Living Action Plan 2012 Detox.  How do I feel?  Well I feel hungry, all the time.  I want fries. SO. BADLY!  But I have also been sick so I have been getting along okay since I've been not eating a lot anyway.  Thankfully though the recipes they suggest are amazing (the Butternut Squash soup is sooo good) so I haven't been having a hard time finding something to eat.  Also I eat a lot of fruits and veggies anyway so my house is normally always stocked with yummy things.I miss dairy, gluten and added sugar so much, but I feel like I have made it this far I need to keep going.

Strangely I don't feel much different physically.  I was supposed to feel…