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Showing posts from May, 2010

A Small Experiment

So last week I fell into a bit of a depression backslide.  I had a rough week.  Weeks like that are tiring physically and mentally.  For me it entails a lot of negative self talk.  I have problems seeing the bright side of anything.  It gets scary at times because I have a hard time seeing a way out of the downward spiral.  There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.  I hate it.  But I stand by what I said a few years ago, I have to make a choice.  I make a choice to get out of bed, I make a choice to get dressed, I make a choice to... well you get the picture.  I feel like I am going through the motions.  After struggling with this my whole life I know how to hide it a bit so that people may see there's something off about me but not be able to put a finger on it.  Last week I barley looked or spoke to anyone, so thath's how I knew it was a bad one.

This week the fog is mostly gone, so things are more or less back to normal.  I'm still drained, but the light is b…

Survey says...

So I feel like crud today, due to an awesome migraine that dropped me on my butt earlier.  But I also feel kinda cruddy for another reason.  So for the last year I have been questioning everything about myself.  I can't seem to find anything I am "good" at, I mean I am passable at a lot of things, but not "good" at any of them.  This comes a lot from my inability to find work.  Job hunting is like constant rejection.  I hate it and it is a really huge blow to my self esteem.

The one thing that I have always prided myself on is being a good friend.  When all else has failed I still had that.  Now I can't even say that.  A few of my friends have had a really rough go of it and I have just let them slide.  It's not even that I didn't care, I do, but I have this unnatural fear of saying the wrong thing, so instead of saying or doing something wrong I do nothing, which I know is worse.  What's worse than all that?  The fact that I feel like even talk…

Snail Mail

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So I am back from an amazing week in Maui.  How I ended up there was a bit random.  My cousin called me on Tuesday (the 20th) and asked me if I wanted to go to Hawaii on Friday (the 23rd.)  Apparently my aunt forgot to check her e-mail and thus didn't realize that her week in their timeshare started on Friday.  With 4 kids 2 of which are under the age of 10 it is next to impossible to take off on three days notice.  My cousin (who's 19) wanted to go but her parents wouldn't let her go alone, so I was her only hope.  So I spoke to my husband and to my surprise I was able to go, so 72 hours after I got that call I was on a plane to Maui.  It was amazing.  I love Hawaii, I think that it is paradise and I honestly believe that it is what Heaven looks like.  I have been to Oahu many times before, but this was my first time to Maui and I just love the whole state.  Hawaii is by far my favourite place on earth. (Well so far!)


In other news, I have been feeling a little bit disconn…