The countdown to vacation is on!
Two days and counting until the little monsters are gone to Grandmas for two weeks! I for one cannot wait. I really need this holiday, I have been stressed to the max and I am exhausted.
My current level of stress has resulted from a few things:
#1 - Mme and M R's ongoing troubles. They are having issues and so they are fighting. They have nasty fights in front of the kids and that is making the kids even brattier than usual. I do love the kids but they are driving me mental. They cling to their parents because I think that they are afraid of them getting divorced. Little R has taken to acting out, whereas big R has been trying to be a suck-up or just completely zones out. I am just glad that baby R is too young to understand what's going on. Mme R told me yesterday that she's pretty sure that M. R is going to ask her for a divorce. GRRREEEEAAATTTT I really really didn't need to know that... at all. M. R is already never home, on the weekends he sleeps and barley interacts with his family when Mme R is around. He never gets home before 10:30pm on weeknights and is gone by 7:30, so I never see him. So needless to say this elevates my stress level significantly.
#2 - With Le Boyfriend's looming departure I have been a little stressed figuring out where we are going from here. He is still really cautious about allowing himself to fully trust me (issues that he has from his last break-up, seriously if I could tell you the story I am sure that you'd understand!) and therefore we only know for sure that we want to stay together, but we are not too sure about what form that will take. I know that I am the one that is going to have to make the sacrifice and move to Montreal to be with him, which I don't mind seeing as I had wanted to move there anyway, but in doing so I would be leaving my family and friends in the west so I really want to make sure that I am not a total idiot for doing so. Realistically I will not be able to move there until at least October so we have time to sort this all out, but I am one of those crazy neurotic "must have a plan" people, so this is driving me a little crazy as well.
#3 - I haven't been running in over a month and I am sooooo freaking tired that I just can't do it. This problem I know has a quick fix, but I don't think that I have fully emphasized the extent of my fatigue. I am pretty sure that it is a result of the stress and that running does help some people with their stress level, but I am not one of them. I hate running. I hate every moment that I have to do it. I hate how boring it is. I hate it! However, my body isn't cardio training itself and I don't care what they say walking is not a good fat burner! I power walk (out of necessity cause I am normally late) 6km/ day and I am still a fat ass! So I need to get my fat and untoned ass back in shape cause this is getting ridiculous! (Please note that I am now going to change and go for a run before I finish this!)
Okay so scratch #3!
Up until Monday #4 would have been "I may be pregnant" but two pregnancy tests and the reappearance of Aunt Flo have quashed that fear! Yay. I am pretty sure that the absence of my period was due to the whole "being sick for a month/boyfriend issues/ stress/ being stressed about not having a period" thing, so yeah.
On the plus side, I have been a better person lately. I am trying to remember who I was before I got into this whole pathetic downer-spiral that I have been on. At one time I was "Cheerie-O" and I was considered the positive person that people went to when they needed a buck up. I honestly feel like I have been really struggling with issues from last year (see here) that I had been doing my best at running away from. I am still struggling with major body confidence issues (I basically feel like I am a fat ugly slob), but on the positive side I don't judge my self worth based on my appearance, so I know that just because I am unattractive it doesn't mean that I am worthless. I may need a few more blogs to hash out some of the more deep-down-buried stuff that I have been dealing with lately (instead of compartmentalizing and burying) but then maybe you can all see what I am really like. Arg plus I know how trivial my problems are. I feel so selfish for being this way when I am having the experience of a lifetime (I mean how many people really get to live their dream?) and not letting myself enjoy it. I know that I have issues that maybe were a little bigger than I had realized, but I have to enjoy the time I have and stop living in a world of "what ifs" and "if onlys" and I really need to allow myself to enjoy my life without feeling guilty (I know that this may not make any sense, but I'll get to it in a later blog). Blah I really had no intention of getting into this but I'll figure it out eventually! :)
But until then the vacation countdown is on! 2 days! That's it! Then I am free! (From one job anyway!) OOOH and I have the cruise to look forward to! Can't wait for that! Seriously folks I am on the path to self-betterment (yeah I make up words, so what!) it may be a long and treacherous road, but it's all worth it in the end!
My current level of stress has resulted from a few things:
#1 - Mme and M R's ongoing troubles. They are having issues and so they are fighting. They have nasty fights in front of the kids and that is making the kids even brattier than usual. I do love the kids but they are driving me mental. They cling to their parents because I think that they are afraid of them getting divorced. Little R has taken to acting out, whereas big R has been trying to be a suck-up or just completely zones out. I am just glad that baby R is too young to understand what's going on. Mme R told me yesterday that she's pretty sure that M. R is going to ask her for a divorce. GRRREEEEAAATTTT I really really didn't need to know that... at all. M. R is already never home, on the weekends he sleeps and barley interacts with his family when Mme R is around. He never gets home before 10:30pm on weeknights and is gone by 7:30, so I never see him. So needless to say this elevates my stress level significantly.
#2 - With Le Boyfriend's looming departure I have been a little stressed figuring out where we are going from here. He is still really cautious about allowing himself to fully trust me (issues that he has from his last break-up, seriously if I could tell you the story I am sure that you'd understand!) and therefore we only know for sure that we want to stay together, but we are not too sure about what form that will take. I know that I am the one that is going to have to make the sacrifice and move to Montreal to be with him, which I don't mind seeing as I had wanted to move there anyway, but in doing so I would be leaving my family and friends in the west so I really want to make sure that I am not a total idiot for doing so. Realistically I will not be able to move there until at least October so we have time to sort this all out, but I am one of those crazy neurotic "must have a plan" people, so this is driving me a little crazy as well.
#3 - I haven't been running in over a month and I am sooooo freaking tired that I just can't do it. This problem I know has a quick fix, but I don't think that I have fully emphasized the extent of my fatigue. I am pretty sure that it is a result of the stress and that running does help some people with their stress level, but I am not one of them. I hate running. I hate every moment that I have to do it. I hate how boring it is. I hate it! However, my body isn't cardio training itself and I don't care what they say walking is not a good fat burner! I power walk (out of necessity cause I am normally late) 6km/ day and I am still a fat ass! So I need to get my fat and untoned ass back in shape cause this is getting ridiculous! (Please note that I am now going to change and go for a run before I finish this!)
Okay so scratch #3!
Up until Monday #4 would have been "I may be pregnant" but two pregnancy tests and the reappearance of Aunt Flo have quashed that fear! Yay. I am pretty sure that the absence of my period was due to the whole "being sick for a month/boyfriend issues/ stress/ being stressed about not having a period" thing, so yeah.
On the plus side, I have been a better person lately. I am trying to remember who I was before I got into this whole pathetic downer-spiral that I have been on. At one time I was "Cheerie-O" and I was considered the positive person that people went to when they needed a buck up. I honestly feel like I have been really struggling with issues from last year (see here) that I had been doing my best at running away from. I am still struggling with major body confidence issues (I basically feel like I am a fat ugly slob), but on the positive side I don't judge my self worth based on my appearance, so I know that just because I am unattractive it doesn't mean that I am worthless. I may need a few more blogs to hash out some of the more deep-down-buried stuff that I have been dealing with lately (instead of compartmentalizing and burying) but then maybe you can all see what I am really like. Arg plus I know how trivial my problems are. I feel so selfish for being this way when I am having the experience of a lifetime (I mean how many people really get to live their dream?) and not letting myself enjoy it. I know that I have issues that maybe were a little bigger than I had realized, but I have to enjoy the time I have and stop living in a world of "what ifs" and "if onlys" and I really need to allow myself to enjoy my life without feeling guilty (I know that this may not make any sense, but I'll get to it in a later blog). Blah I really had no intention of getting into this but I'll figure it out eventually! :)
But until then the vacation countdown is on! 2 days! That's it! Then I am free! (From one job anyway!) OOOH and I have the cruise to look forward to! Can't wait for that! Seriously folks I am on the path to self-betterment (yeah I make up words, so what!) it may be a long and treacherous road, but it's all worth it in the end!
Comments
As for the insecurities... you'll find out that it's not worth the stress and heartache one day. :)
Good luck with it all!! Soooo happy for you and le boyfriend. Seems like things are on the up-and-up with that one!