The countdown to vacation is on!

Two days and counting until the little monsters are gone to Grandmas for two weeks! I for one cannot wait. I really need this holiday, I have been stressed to the max and I am exhausted.

My current level of stress has resulted from a few things:

#1 - Mme and M R's ongoing troubles. They are having issues and so they are fighting. They have nasty fights in front of the kids and that is making the kids even brattier than usual. I do love the kids but they are driving me mental. They cling to their parents because I think that they are afraid of them getting divorced. Little R has taken to acting out, whereas big R has been trying to be a suck-up or just completely zones out. I am just glad that baby R is too young to understand what's going on. Mme R told me yesterday that she's pretty sure that M. R is going to ask her for a divorce. GRRREEEEAAATTTT I really really didn't need to know that... at all. M. R is already never home, on the weekends he sleeps and barley interacts with his family when Mme R is around. He never gets home before 10:30pm on weeknights and is gone by 7:30, so I never see him. So needless to say this elevates my stress level significantly.

#2 - With Le Boyfriend's looming departure I have been a little stressed figuring out where we are going from here. He is still really cautious about allowing himself to fully trust me (issues that he has from his last break-up, seriously if I could tell you the story I am sure that you'd understand!) and therefore we only know for sure that we want to stay together, but we are not too sure about what form that will take. I know that I am the one that is going to have to make the sacrifice and move to Montreal to be with him, which I don't mind seeing as I had wanted to move there anyway, but in doing so I would be leaving my family and friends in the west so I really want to make sure that I am not a total idiot for doing so. Realistically I will not be able to move there until at least October so we have time to sort this all out, but I am one of those crazy neurotic "must have a plan" people, so this is driving me a little crazy as well.

#3 - I haven't been running in over a month and I am sooooo freaking tired that I just can't do it. This problem I know has a quick fix, but I don't think that I have fully emphasized the extent of my fatigue. I am pretty sure that it is a result of the stress and that running does help some people with their stress level, but I am not one of them. I hate running. I hate every moment that I have to do it. I hate how boring it is. I hate it! However, my body isn't cardio training itself and I don't care what they say walking is not a good fat burner! I power walk (out of necessity cause I am normally late) 6km/ day and I am still a fat ass! So I need to get my fat and untoned ass back in shape cause this is getting ridiculous! (Please note that I am now going to change and go for a run before I finish this!)

Okay so scratch #3!

Up until Monday #4 would have been "I may be pregnant" but two pregnancy tests and the reappearance of Aunt Flo have quashed that fear! Yay. I am pretty sure that the absence of my period was due to the whole "being sick for a month/boyfriend issues/ stress/ being stressed about not having a period" thing, so yeah.

On the plus side, I have been a better person lately. I am trying to remember who I was before I got into this whole pathetic downer-spiral that I have been on. At one time I was "Cheerie-O" and I was considered the positive person that people went to when they needed a buck up. I honestly feel like I have been really struggling with issues from last year (see here) that I had been doing my best at running away from. I am still struggling with major body confidence issues (I basically feel like I am a fat ugly slob), but on the positive side I don't judge my self worth based on my appearance, so I know that just because I am unattractive it doesn't mean that I am worthless. I may need a few more blogs to hash out some of the more deep-down-buried stuff that I have been dealing with lately (instead of compartmentalizing and burying) but then maybe you can all see what I am really like. Arg plus I know how trivial my problems are. I feel so selfish for being this way when I am having the experience of a lifetime (I mean how many people really get to live their dream?) and not letting myself enjoy it. I know that I have issues that maybe were a little bigger than I had realized, but I have to enjoy the time I have and stop living in a world of "what ifs" and "if onlys" and I really need to allow myself to enjoy my life without feeling guilty (I know that this may not make any sense, but I'll get to it in a later blog). Blah I really had no intention of getting into this but I'll figure it out eventually! :)

But until then the vacation countdown is on! 2 days! That's it! Then I am free! (From one job anyway!) OOOH and I have the cruise to look forward to! Can't wait for that! Seriously folks I am on the path to self-betterment (yeah I make up words, so what!) it may be a long and treacherous road, but it's all worth it in the end!

Comments

Delicieux said…
Hooray for a 2-week vacation!! I'm so excited for you. (and Hooray for not being Preg-o either!!)

As for the insecurities... you'll find out that it's not worth the stress and heartache one day. :)

Good luck with it all!! Soooo happy for you and le boyfriend. Seems like things are on the up-and-up with that one!
Cupcake Blonde said…
The "what ifs" and "if onlys" can be the death of you! Thinking about what might be will only drive you insane but it is very hard not to fall into that trap. I say take this two week break to center yourself anf figure out what you want to do next. Perhaps all your discontent is from not knowing what is going to happen. You are stressing about things that have not and may never even happen yet. We all do it. So make something good happen for you. Even if it is something small. You might feel a whole lot better!

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