New Year... New... uh I dunno something.
Okay so I am the world's worst blogger. I get it don't hate me! I have been writing just not when I had an internet connection... So here's a sample of my oh so deep New Years piece which I started on the plane on the way to Montreal and have just finished. I will do my best to keep my blog up to date but I haven't been home much as of late, so that's kinda hard. Anyway here's my reflection on the year 2007:
As we sit on the cusp of yet another year it is customary to reflect on the events of the year past and look towards the year coming. 2007 was a rollercoaster year. I can honestly say that I will not be sad to see this one go. I am ready to put it in the past and move on. This past year has seen me go to three funerals, two of which were very unexpected and tragic, move to a new country and completely re-evaluate my plans for the rest of my life. I came in to 2007 sure of what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. I was ready and focused and determined, yet in an instant all that seemed to change. I became ready for a diversion, ready to make the riskier choices (with most matters anyway) I realized that I didn’t have all the time in the world and I had to start living my life that I had now and not waiting for some perfect opportunity to do the things that I wanted to do. This is why I first chose to move to France. After my Uncle died I was stunned, I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that a man that used to be so full of life was suddenly gone. I to this day have a hard time thinking about it without getting upset; it’s almost been a year.
I sometimes wonder if I am running away a little bit, if I chose to leave my home and the country not only because it was something I always wanted and dreamed of doing but also because I knew life would never be the same and that scared me. In my life I choose to have control. I want to control everything; who I allow to share my time, what I allow to affect me, how I let myself feel about situations, by running away I was controlling the change that I saw as being inevitable, I was causing the change instead of just waiting for it to change me. It worked. My life changed, but I remained confident in my ability to control the change, I had done it to myself. I have always considered myself a relatively independent person. I did not fear the prospect of moving alone, I thrive on tackling new challenges on my own. My move was a risk yes, but a calculated one.
With the death of my Grandfather I learned how a family can really make the best of a bad situation. I have learned to value my family in a way that I never did. I have amazing people in my life and that death just hammered that point home. I feel very fortunate to have been born into such an amazing group of people and I am thankful every day that I get to be a part of my somewhat crazy and unconventional, but never the less quite close family.
My friend’s death still haunts me. I cannot speak or think about her without tears (behind my eyes of course). My Dad calls her death a waste, and maybe it is. To me her death is a tragedy and my heart goes out to her family. I have already written enough about this (I'll re-post my original blog on the subject at the end of this one).
These events changed me, I have a greater appreciation for the days I have and have been trying to live by the saying “you’d better hurry up and get living or hurry up and get dying.” I am willing to take risks that may have previously seemed too precarious and determined to avoid putting the things I want to do off to tomorrow. I never know how much time I have left, so I need to profit from the time I have. I have also learned to let go of regrets. I can and did spend my life dwelling on those things I didn’t do, or those opportunities that I missed or mishandled, but in every decision there was a lesson, one that I believe that I have finally learned. This is of course not to say that I don't have a lot left to learn!
This year has also brought a lot of really amazing people into my life. I have made friends that I plan on keeping forever. I am so lucky to have met these people (I am hoping that you all know who you are hint: If I met you this year and I still talk to you you're in this group.) I have also seen new and amazing places and I am so thankful for that. So I guess you take the bad with the good.
I have such high hopes for 2008. I really think that this could be a turning point year, who knows. I guess I can only wait and see. So good bye 2007 don't let the door hit ya on the way out!
As promised here is a copy of the blog post from July the 12th, 2007 (taken from Facebook cause I can't find the original):
Okay so for those of you who don't know already I have had a crappy few months. A few months ago I lost my Uncle suddenly, a few weeks ago my grandfather passed and now a few days ago I lost a friend. Most of you who know me know that I am pretty good at pretending that things like this don't get to me too much and I have a pretty good game face but I am having a really hard time.
Why would I post all this you ask? I'm not too sure. Probably because there are a lot of things, particularly concerning this latest death that I still can't say out loud. All week I've been saying that "a friend committed suicide” I can't even say her name in the sentence. Because then it will be real and I am not too sure that I can handle that. I need to say these things though and I can't so I am being a wimp and writing them on Facebook of all places because I need to. So if you care to, read on.
I will start at the beginning. My friend and I have known each other since birth; our moms were best friends in high school and have still maintained a close friendship over the years. We got our dog from them, we went to Disneyland together, we went camping, spent many holidays together. This girl was always cool, she was the first person to introduce me to "Dirty Dancing" and "the New Kids on the Block" (I know that I should probably hate her for that last one :) ) As we got older we fell out of touch, but we still saw each other when our families got together. Plus it is one of those things, when you stay updated on what is going on with someone you feel like you are still connected even if you're not. I always looked up to her even if she was 6 months younger than me. Even when things with her started to go awry she started doing drugs and soon she was a meth addict. I always thought that she'd land on her feet no matter what. Her family too had hard times. Both of her parents got sick. They have suffered so much over the last few years this latest blow does not seem fair. Anyway as it turns out she started to have auditory hallucinations, which she was being treated for in the hospital. About two weeks ago the hospital released her with medication. Her Mom begged them not to, fearing that she would not last the week. She lasted one week. Her hallucinations made her believe that if she did not kill herself someone would come after her family, so she took a months worth of her meds and did what she thought she had to do to protect her family.
Last night I watched our home movies of our time in Disneyland, a time when everything seemed normal. There were no drugs, or cancer, or pain, or death. We were just normal kids and two normal families enjoying our time together. I can't believe that that girl I just watched dancing to buskers without a care is no longer with us. It's not right, it's not fair and I still can't believe it. There is nothing I wouldn't give for one minute back with that girl or a minute for all of us to be back in that time. A time when we had no idea what was ahead of us, we were just enjoying the moment. I wish that there was something I could do for her family this shouldn't have happened to them. I know that I should have faith, but it is so difficult to believe that God has a plan when everything for this family seems to be going wrong. How can such a nice family have so much bad happen to them? They are such a great family this is not right. It is not right that they now have to face the world, the one that has thrown so much suffering at them and move forward with part of their world missing. It is just not fair.
I still can't even type her name and give legitimacy to what has happened. I can't believe that someone my age who I spent my life growing up with is no longer there. I feel sick just thinking about it. I have to go to another freaking funeral... I've had enough funerals I'm done with them... Your friends are not supposed to die this young. There is nothing about this that is okay. No I am not okay. I am not okay living in a world that seems less complete after two people that I loved, that shouldn't have died, are no longer a part of. I am not okay seeing my friends and family hurt by tragedy. So I am sorry that I have been on edge lately but I am really just trying to get by. I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. I am trying to remind myself to breathe in and out and keep living in a world that seems so random. I know that I need to have faith, but that faith is being pushed to its limit. Don't pray for me. Pray for her family, ask God to give them a break, they deserve it. I know that I'll be fine, I will get over this feeling, this hole, but I need time and understanding from those around me. I am in a period of change and I feel like nothing makes any sense and everything is moving and I can't find my place. I know I am sounding very dramatic and very uncharacteristic but deal with it.
I don't want to live in a world where I have regrets. I don't want to lose anyone else and wonder if they knew how much they meant to me. So yeah I am making a huge effort to see everyone as much as I can because in a moment they too can be gone and I am not going to regret not being able to see you and not making the effort. So there you all have to deal with me! Ha! Be patient with me please. I know that I seem grouchy and down all the time, but I am just having a really hard time. I want to get over it and return to normal or maybe even better than normal, but it may take some time. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I love you all.
Okay so that's me shutting the door on 2007. Bring it on 2008!
As we sit on the cusp of yet another year it is customary to reflect on the events of the year past and look towards the year coming. 2007 was a rollercoaster year. I can honestly say that I will not be sad to see this one go. I am ready to put it in the past and move on. This past year has seen me go to three funerals, two of which were very unexpected and tragic, move to a new country and completely re-evaluate my plans for the rest of my life. I came in to 2007 sure of what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. I was ready and focused and determined, yet in an instant all that seemed to change. I became ready for a diversion, ready to make the riskier choices (with most matters anyway) I realized that I didn’t have all the time in the world and I had to start living my life that I had now and not waiting for some perfect opportunity to do the things that I wanted to do. This is why I first chose to move to France. After my Uncle died I was stunned, I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that a man that used to be so full of life was suddenly gone. I to this day have a hard time thinking about it without getting upset; it’s almost been a year.
I sometimes wonder if I am running away a little bit, if I chose to leave my home and the country not only because it was something I always wanted and dreamed of doing but also because I knew life would never be the same and that scared me. In my life I choose to have control. I want to control everything; who I allow to share my time, what I allow to affect me, how I let myself feel about situations, by running away I was controlling the change that I saw as being inevitable, I was causing the change instead of just waiting for it to change me. It worked. My life changed, but I remained confident in my ability to control the change, I had done it to myself. I have always considered myself a relatively independent person. I did not fear the prospect of moving alone, I thrive on tackling new challenges on my own. My move was a risk yes, but a calculated one.
With the death of my Grandfather I learned how a family can really make the best of a bad situation. I have learned to value my family in a way that I never did. I have amazing people in my life and that death just hammered that point home. I feel very fortunate to have been born into such an amazing group of people and I am thankful every day that I get to be a part of my somewhat crazy and unconventional, but never the less quite close family.
My friend’s death still haunts me. I cannot speak or think about her without tears (behind my eyes of course). My Dad calls her death a waste, and maybe it is. To me her death is a tragedy and my heart goes out to her family. I have already written enough about this (I'll re-post my original blog on the subject at the end of this one).
These events changed me, I have a greater appreciation for the days I have and have been trying to live by the saying “you’d better hurry up and get living or hurry up and get dying.” I am willing to take risks that may have previously seemed too precarious and determined to avoid putting the things I want to do off to tomorrow. I never know how much time I have left, so I need to profit from the time I have. I have also learned to let go of regrets. I can and did spend my life dwelling on those things I didn’t do, or those opportunities that I missed or mishandled, but in every decision there was a lesson, one that I believe that I have finally learned. This is of course not to say that I don't have a lot left to learn!
This year has also brought a lot of really amazing people into my life. I have made friends that I plan on keeping forever. I am so lucky to have met these people (I am hoping that you all know who you are hint: If I met you this year and I still talk to you you're in this group.) I have also seen new and amazing places and I am so thankful for that. So I guess you take the bad with the good.
I have such high hopes for 2008. I really think that this could be a turning point year, who knows. I guess I can only wait and see. So good bye 2007 don't let the door hit ya on the way out!
As promised here is a copy of the blog post from July the 12th, 2007 (taken from Facebook cause I can't find the original):
Okay so for those of you who don't know already I have had a crappy few months. A few months ago I lost my Uncle suddenly, a few weeks ago my grandfather passed and now a few days ago I lost a friend. Most of you who know me know that I am pretty good at pretending that things like this don't get to me too much and I have a pretty good game face but I am having a really hard time.
Why would I post all this you ask? I'm not too sure. Probably because there are a lot of things, particularly concerning this latest death that I still can't say out loud. All week I've been saying that "a friend committed suicide” I can't even say her name in the sentence. Because then it will be real and I am not too sure that I can handle that. I need to say these things though and I can't so I am being a wimp and writing them on Facebook of all places because I need to. So if you care to, read on.
I will start at the beginning. My friend and I have known each other since birth; our moms were best friends in high school and have still maintained a close friendship over the years. We got our dog from them, we went to Disneyland together, we went camping, spent many holidays together. This girl was always cool, she was the first person to introduce me to "Dirty Dancing" and "the New Kids on the Block" (I know that I should probably hate her for that last one :) ) As we got older we fell out of touch, but we still saw each other when our families got together. Plus it is one of those things, when you stay updated on what is going on with someone you feel like you are still connected even if you're not. I always looked up to her even if she was 6 months younger than me. Even when things with her started to go awry she started doing drugs and soon she was a meth addict. I always thought that she'd land on her feet no matter what. Her family too had hard times. Both of her parents got sick. They have suffered so much over the last few years this latest blow does not seem fair. Anyway as it turns out she started to have auditory hallucinations, which she was being treated for in the hospital. About two weeks ago the hospital released her with medication. Her Mom begged them not to, fearing that she would not last the week. She lasted one week. Her hallucinations made her believe that if she did not kill herself someone would come after her family, so she took a months worth of her meds and did what she thought she had to do to protect her family.
Last night I watched our home movies of our time in Disneyland, a time when everything seemed normal. There were no drugs, or cancer, or pain, or death. We were just normal kids and two normal families enjoying our time together. I can't believe that that girl I just watched dancing to buskers without a care is no longer with us. It's not right, it's not fair and I still can't believe it. There is nothing I wouldn't give for one minute back with that girl or a minute for all of us to be back in that time. A time when we had no idea what was ahead of us, we were just enjoying the moment. I wish that there was something I could do for her family this shouldn't have happened to them. I know that I should have faith, but it is so difficult to believe that God has a plan when everything for this family seems to be going wrong. How can such a nice family have so much bad happen to them? They are such a great family this is not right. It is not right that they now have to face the world, the one that has thrown so much suffering at them and move forward with part of their world missing. It is just not fair.
I still can't even type her name and give legitimacy to what has happened. I can't believe that someone my age who I spent my life growing up with is no longer there. I feel sick just thinking about it. I have to go to another freaking funeral... I've had enough funerals I'm done with them... Your friends are not supposed to die this young. There is nothing about this that is okay. No I am not okay. I am not okay living in a world that seems less complete after two people that I loved, that shouldn't have died, are no longer a part of. I am not okay seeing my friends and family hurt by tragedy. So I am sorry that I have been on edge lately but I am really just trying to get by. I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. I am trying to remind myself to breathe in and out and keep living in a world that seems so random. I know that I need to have faith, but that faith is being pushed to its limit. Don't pray for me. Pray for her family, ask God to give them a break, they deserve it. I know that I'll be fine, I will get over this feeling, this hole, but I need time and understanding from those around me. I am in a period of change and I feel like nothing makes any sense and everything is moving and I can't find my place. I know I am sounding very dramatic and very uncharacteristic but deal with it.
I don't want to live in a world where I have regrets. I don't want to lose anyone else and wonder if they knew how much they meant to me. So yeah I am making a huge effort to see everyone as much as I can because in a moment they too can be gone and I am not going to regret not being able to see you and not making the effort. So there you all have to deal with me! Ha! Be patient with me please. I know that I seem grouchy and down all the time, but I am just having a really hard time. I want to get over it and return to normal or maybe even better than normal, but it may take some time. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I love you all.
Okay so that's me shutting the door on 2007. Bring it on 2008!
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