Back from Toulouse and still attached... for now

So the trip to Toulouse was not as big of a disaster as I feared (fewf!) However it was not all rainbows and butterflies either.

First off I am quite stressed at the moment for many reasons. The main one being that M. and Mme R are fighting and have been fighting since they got back for Christmas holidays. The is MY problem because Mme R for whatever reason seems to ALWAYS confide in me and has even gone so far as to hint that she wants me to keep an eye out for possible infidelity! AHHHHH! This should in no way shape or form be my problem and yet I am being dragged into it and it is driving me CRAZY! To top it off the kids are now acting out to get their parent's attention since they can feel the tension. So in a nutshell that is a HUGE source of stress for me right there.

Plus I am having problems with certain people back home. I cannot believe that they are able to pick fights with me over the internet but they are doing it anyway. Not only that but my Dad is making digs at my financial situation and my future plans and that is a major stressor to me because I really hate disappointing him. Plus I have a good friend who we'll call A who is constantly threatening to kill herself. Now due to the fact that I lost another good friend to suicide this past summer (although granted that situation was different) I am really on edge about these threats. Her parents are fully aware of these threats and are keeping an eye on her so that's good. I have tried to talk to mutual friends about my concern for A, but they just say "Oh it's A she always threatens to do that blah blah blah she's just looking for attention." My reply is always "well what if she does something to get attention thinking that someone will help her but then they don't and it's too late?" Psychologists call these people the "death darers." So what if in an attempt to get people to think she's serious she does something like takes a lot of pills then goes to sleep thinking that her Mom will be home in time to save her and then her Mom gets held up for whatever reason and it's too late? I am sorry but after this summer I do not take threats of this nature lightly. So I am really worried about that situation and about how I am not around to help her out. For whatever reason I take the problems of the people around me very seriously. All I want normally is to make sure that those around me are happy. If that means sacrificing my own happiness then so be it. I have been termed a "martyr" by one psychologist. She told me that I do that to make other people feel bad for me and I really don't mean to, but I guess I do it subconsciously. Plus I also tend to keep a lot of my emotions bottled up (good and bad) and so I have a very level personality. I seem normal on the outside but inside I feel like I am about to erupt (and not in a fun way.)

Unfortunately when I get that way I simultaneously feel like I have lost control of many of the factors in my life and I tend to focus on those factors of which I can control. The main one being my body. I become so self-critical it's insane. I look at myself and I see yuckiness and fat and although logically I know it's all in my head it leaves me feeling incredibly insecure. I am normally a pretty confident person, but right now I feel like shit. I feel like an unattractive fat stupid waste of space. So this is the frame of mind I was in going into this weekend.

So this weekend I was going to see the boyfriend in Toulouse. I hadn't seen him since Monday and I hadn't called or text him since I knew he was busy and I didn't want to bother him. I was so happy to see him, but I was feeling the stress big time, so I was a little off my game. We had an okay time Saturday "sleeping" most of the morning and then wandering around the afternoon then we went back to the hotel for a nap. Somewhere in this time in the hotel he mentioned that one of his co-workers was "cute." This type of comment wouldn't bother me normally, but due to the stress and resulting insecurity I freaked out and took major offence to it. I of course didn't actually freak out with the yelling and everything it was mostly internal. I told the boyfriend that although that wouldn't upset me normally due to my frame of mind it did and that for the next little while I would probably obsess over it even though I knew it was nothing. He felt bad which made me feel bad and so we went to sleep and I tried my best to get over it by the next morning.

Day 2 started off good. We woke up had some alone time barley made it to breakfast and then headed out to spend the day exploring little villages with a friend of his. (The snow conditions sucked so we didn't snowboard/ ski.) We went around to these beautiful villages and had a really lazy day. I felt uneasy all day because I was obsessing about being a good girlfriend and feeling guilty that he had brought me here and I was all stressed out. Blah! Back at the hotel we went and had dinner and we got into this really weird conversation about relationships and such. For whatever reason I again rehashed (please note that it was not unprompted he asked) the dirty details of my break up with Ryan (2 years ago!) Now I want to make this clear I do not in any way shape or form regret the fact that me and Ryan broke up, but the way we broke up and the resulting betrayal that I felt still haunts me. Anyway the boyfriend used the following words in reference to me "bitter" and "jaded." He also made some comment like "WOW it's been two years." Stupid stupid stupid me. Why oh why am I seemingly trying my hardest to ruin the best relationship I have ever had? I mean seriously how much of this can a guy take? The truth is that I am falling really hard for this guy and it scares me to death. So I am doing the "mature" thing and allowing my fear to get the better of me so that I can allow this to become a self-fulfilling prophecy that I will look back on and regret for the rest of my life. Arg add another log onto the stress flame!

So there you have it I am about seconds away from crawling into the fetal position and tuning the world out. I am hoping that when the boyfriend gets back he will somehow assure me that he still finds me attractive and still wants to see me and spend time with me, but I'll have to wait a few days to find out.

On the plus side: I did get to see Toulouse and some really awesome old villages and I did get to spend the weekend with the man of my dreams, so I can't feel too sorry for myself. I will dig myself out of this funk, I hope, but until then my goal is to stop being such a freak and try to enjoy my time! Really it's a big beautiful world out there! :)

Oh and yay people are actually reading this blog (by way of Karina Thank you very much for that btw :) )so thank you all very much for stopping by! I hope I can entertain you!