Okay I'm back
So I am back from my hiatus and I have sooooo much to talk about. However I am still feeling a little off so I may have to spread this out over a week or two.
So since my last post I have been sad, but getting a little better. I had a little depression relapse (like a 5 out of 10) and that made me tired, weak, angry, unmotivated and mean. On top of that I always feel so guilty when I get like that. I feel guilty because I have so many things to be thankful for and yet I still get depressed. The guilt is what keeps me down and that makes me angry and mean. I don't mean to be mean, but it's like I just don't feel that I deserve to be loved and so I push anyone who tries to help me away. Arg it is a savage beast this depression, but alas I'll get through it one day at a time. As I said before it's a choice. Everyday I have to wake up and tell myself that I am not going to let this rule me and in the past month or so I haven't been strong enough and that is my fault. That may sound harsh but it's true. In order for this to get out of hand I have to surrender to it. I saw it coming and I did nothing, I got complacent and I gave up, so this was my fault, I did it to myself. It is like someone with diabetes indulging in their sugar cravings everyday and then dealing with the consequences.
But as Michael J Fox says "If you're never down you don't know how great it feels to be up."
Aside from that I recently returned from a Christmas in Vancouver. It was very bittersweet, because as much as I had a blast hanging with my fam and I got spoiled like crazy at Christmas, I didn't get to see many of my friends, le boyfriend and I both got sick and I got some bad news about my horse.
I'll elaborate on the other stuff later in the week. For now I am going to talk about my horse. I have been riding my horse for about four years, but I have known her for her whole life. She was born at the barn that I have worked at since I was 11 and I actually used to ride her mother! Anyway I am very attached to her and she used to be very attached to me. (Before I went to France for a year!) She used to follow me from the barn to the ring and around the ring and everything without me holding her or anything and she'd even stay like a dog! Silly girl! Anyway I was very sad to leave her when I went to France and I checked on her all the time via Facebook all the time. Now I should put in my little disclaimer I don't actually officially own her, but I am the only person who rode her because she is a bit difficult to ride by most people (think rodeo broncos lol.) I was to take possession of her in the spring when she came to Montreal. HOWEVER this was all before Christmas when I found out that everyone had been lying to me for the last month when they told me she was fine. She lives in a field and the AMAZING staff at the barn noticed that she was holding up one of her back legs. They brought her in and immediately knew that something was wrong. They put her on antibiotics and called the vet who confirmed that she had punctured a small hole in her hock (the backwards knee on the back leg) and it was so deep that it had gone right through the joint capsule and become infected. This is very painful for her and she could barely move, but they are keeping her on antibiotics to see if she gets better. She has one more month to get better, if she doesn't show some MIRACULOUS improvement she'll be put down. I am very lucky to have people in my life who care about me as much as my riding coach (same one since I was 11) she made everyone swear on punishment of death that they wouldn't tell me about my mare until after Christmas so that I could have a good Christmas. On top of that she's keeping her on anitbiotics instead of putting her down now (as the vet recommended) and that means that I got the opportunity to spend a few more moments with her. Even if she pulls through she will never be a working horse again so I will never get to ride her and she won't be coming to Montreal. She'll live out a quiet life in the field and I can visit her whenever I am in town. So all in all that's a pretty upsetting thing to happen and I am still crushed. I wasn't mentally prepared for that. But maybe I needed a lesson on how finite everything is. Maybe this is just a harsh lesson on how not to take things for granted. That is what I am trying to take from it.
I have much else to say on other subjects, including my New Year's outlook, my wedding planning, my trip home etc. So hopefully we'll be seeing each other again soon!
So since my last post I have been sad, but getting a little better. I had a little depression relapse (like a 5 out of 10) and that made me tired, weak, angry, unmotivated and mean. On top of that I always feel so guilty when I get like that. I feel guilty because I have so many things to be thankful for and yet I still get depressed. The guilt is what keeps me down and that makes me angry and mean. I don't mean to be mean, but it's like I just don't feel that I deserve to be loved and so I push anyone who tries to help me away. Arg it is a savage beast this depression, but alas I'll get through it one day at a time. As I said before it's a choice. Everyday I have to wake up and tell myself that I am not going to let this rule me and in the past month or so I haven't been strong enough and that is my fault. That may sound harsh but it's true. In order for this to get out of hand I have to surrender to it. I saw it coming and I did nothing, I got complacent and I gave up, so this was my fault, I did it to myself. It is like someone with diabetes indulging in their sugar cravings everyday and then dealing with the consequences.
But as Michael J Fox says "If you're never down you don't know how great it feels to be up."
Aside from that I recently returned from a Christmas in Vancouver. It was very bittersweet, because as much as I had a blast hanging with my fam and I got spoiled like crazy at Christmas, I didn't get to see many of my friends, le boyfriend and I both got sick and I got some bad news about my horse.
I'll elaborate on the other stuff later in the week. For now I am going to talk about my horse. I have been riding my horse for about four years, but I have known her for her whole life. She was born at the barn that I have worked at since I was 11 and I actually used to ride her mother! Anyway I am very attached to her and she used to be very attached to me. (Before I went to France for a year!) She used to follow me from the barn to the ring and around the ring and everything without me holding her or anything and she'd even stay like a dog! Silly girl! Anyway I was very sad to leave her when I went to France and I checked on her all the time via Facebook all the time. Now I should put in my little disclaimer I don't actually officially own her, but I am the only person who rode her because she is a bit difficult to ride by most people (think rodeo broncos lol.) I was to take possession of her in the spring when she came to Montreal. HOWEVER this was all before Christmas when I found out that everyone had been lying to me for the last month when they told me she was fine. She lives in a field and the AMAZING staff at the barn noticed that she was holding up one of her back legs. They brought her in and immediately knew that something was wrong. They put her on antibiotics and called the vet who confirmed that she had punctured a small hole in her hock (the backwards knee on the back leg) and it was so deep that it had gone right through the joint capsule and become infected. This is very painful for her and she could barely move, but they are keeping her on antibiotics to see if she gets better. She has one more month to get better, if she doesn't show some MIRACULOUS improvement she'll be put down. I am very lucky to have people in my life who care about me as much as my riding coach (same one since I was 11) she made everyone swear on punishment of death that they wouldn't tell me about my mare until after Christmas so that I could have a good Christmas. On top of that she's keeping her on anitbiotics instead of putting her down now (as the vet recommended) and that means that I got the opportunity to spend a few more moments with her. Even if she pulls through she will never be a working horse again so I will never get to ride her and she won't be coming to Montreal. She'll live out a quiet life in the field and I can visit her whenever I am in town. So all in all that's a pretty upsetting thing to happen and I am still crushed. I wasn't mentally prepared for that. But maybe I needed a lesson on how finite everything is. Maybe this is just a harsh lesson on how not to take things for granted. That is what I am trying to take from it.
I have much else to say on other subjects, including my New Year's outlook, my wedding planning, my trip home etc. So hopefully we'll be seeing each other again soon!
Comments
Speaking of which, don't forget this here is the best place for you to air outall of those feelings and help deal with your depression. Don't be afraid to get it all down, write it out, even if you don't post it. Keeping it bottled up inside is not healthy. Getting those feelings out where you can reread how you feel is important. And you know we are always here for you no matter what!
Hang in there sweetheart! I am sending Vegas hugs your way.
I'm sorry to hear about your horse, but I'm glad you got to spend some time with her. I'll add her to my prayer list (you're already on it!)
I hope 2009 will be a time when you'll feel better and better.
Hang in there, honey.