All better!
DISCLAIMER: I am writing this on a French keyboard and the spell check still doesn't work so I appologize about the plethora of spelling errors!!!!
So I have made the flu my bitch and am on the mend (Yay!) Now that that's over I have to get back into training for my 5k (please all of you runners out there try to stiffle your laughter) and take a bit more responsibility for myself. Let me explain. You see lately I have been going around like Grumpy Bear with a rain cloud over my head. I've been grouchy, irritable, tired, lazy etc etc for no particular reason. I tried to snap myself out of it but I couldn't and I was beginning to take it out on the kids, which I felt awful about. True I am not at all satisfied with my job (even though it has many many perks and is really easy), but that is in no way their fault. I have been unfair to them and I feel really bad about it. Now I am not being mean to them or anything, but I haven't really done anything beyond the minimum meaning that I pick them up from school, bath them, feed them and that's about it. I have also been testy and a little short with them (I am not a yeller so I don't scream at them or anything.) Anywhoo the long and short of it is that this is MY problem not theirs and they don't deserve the brunt of my contempt.
I have thought long and hard about this mood and why I am stuck in it when right now I have everything that I want; I live in Paris, I have an amazing boyfriend, I have a great family, I have great friends, I am healthy (I could go on) but yet I am in this downer mood all the time. I then started trying to figure out what I value in terms of my happiness and percieved self-worth, what factors contributed to it and what factors detract from it. I established that one of the major factors that contribute is a sense that I am accomplishing something and it generally has to be something tangible (like running a 5k), not something percieved (like "an experience"). SO while I am working towards a goal (the aforementioned 5k) I don't think that it's quite enough to keep me going. I am used to playing sports and going to school and working jobs that motivated me and now I have this cushy life and I feel like I am not contributing in any way shape or form. It's crazy no? I mean to have almost everything that you want and not be happy, that's sick.
So now understanding that a major contributing factor to my crummy mood is the guilt that I feel for not being happy and the need to be doing more in the sense that I need to get myself a hobby or something so that I am actually doing something with my time instead of sitting around psychoanalyzing myself. In essence I realized yet again that I am the only one that can help the situation and that I am responsible for my own happiness. Believe it or not that little "Mr. Obvious" moment (that I had while lying in bed waiting to die) actually helped, so now I am hoping that I am on the right track. So all that's left to do is actually FIND an activity :P So I am off to do that now! Oh and very soon I hope to have an "anti-bitching about my life" post so look out for that; Until then you stay classy San Die... oh wait that's not my line... ummm yeah I meant to say oh nevermind... :)
So I have made the flu my bitch and am on the mend (Yay!) Now that that's over I have to get back into training for my 5k (please all of you runners out there try to stiffle your laughter) and take a bit more responsibility for myself. Let me explain. You see lately I have been going around like Grumpy Bear with a rain cloud over my head. I've been grouchy, irritable, tired, lazy etc etc for no particular reason. I tried to snap myself out of it but I couldn't and I was beginning to take it out on the kids, which I felt awful about. True I am not at all satisfied with my job (even though it has many many perks and is really easy), but that is in no way their fault. I have been unfair to them and I feel really bad about it. Now I am not being mean to them or anything, but I haven't really done anything beyond the minimum meaning that I pick them up from school, bath them, feed them and that's about it. I have also been testy and a little short with them (I am not a yeller so I don't scream at them or anything.) Anywhoo the long and short of it is that this is MY problem not theirs and they don't deserve the brunt of my contempt.
I have thought long and hard about this mood and why I am stuck in it when right now I have everything that I want; I live in Paris, I have an amazing boyfriend, I have a great family, I have great friends, I am healthy (I could go on) but yet I am in this downer mood all the time. I then started trying to figure out what I value in terms of my happiness and percieved self-worth, what factors contributed to it and what factors detract from it. I established that one of the major factors that contribute is a sense that I am accomplishing something and it generally has to be something tangible (like running a 5k), not something percieved (like "an experience"). SO while I am working towards a goal (the aforementioned 5k) I don't think that it's quite enough to keep me going. I am used to playing sports and going to school and working jobs that motivated me and now I have this cushy life and I feel like I am not contributing in any way shape or form. It's crazy no? I mean to have almost everything that you want and not be happy, that's sick.
So now understanding that a major contributing factor to my crummy mood is the guilt that I feel for not being happy and the need to be doing more in the sense that I need to get myself a hobby or something so that I am actually doing something with my time instead of sitting around psychoanalyzing myself. In essence I realized yet again that I am the only one that can help the situation and that I am responsible for my own happiness. Believe it or not that little "Mr. Obvious" moment (that I had while lying in bed waiting to die) actually helped, so now I am hoping that I am on the right track. So all that's left to do is actually FIND an activity :P So I am off to do that now! Oh and very soon I hope to have an "anti-bitching about my life" post so look out for that; Until then you stay classy San Die... oh wait that's not my line... ummm yeah I meant to say oh nevermind... :)
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