Don't judge me
I am going to warn you straight off the bat. This post is going to offend some people. I don't mean it to, but you can never have this discussion and NOT offend someone.
With that said I will get on with my post.
I have a large extended family. My dad's side are catholic and all that that entails, so he had 7 brothers and sisters, and each of them has at least one kid, so I have 18 cousins on my Dad's side alone. Anyway we are mostly a very close group. There are 4 noteable exceptions, one due to family circumstances and the other three due to the death of one of my uncles when I was very young. I have been reunited with all of them in my adult life and that was great. Well it was sort of great. A few years ago the kids of my late uncle (well calling them kids is a bit of a misnomer, seeing as the two older ones were in their 30's with 2 kids apiece) came to stay with us so that they could spend time with my grandparents (the cousins were from the next province over.) I was ecstatic to have them in town, as family is very important to me, and I took them out to show them the city. I thought that we had a nice time catching up etc., but later when I was getting off work I called my parents' house to see what the plan was for the night and I heard them bad mouthing my driving and my car in the background. Needless to say I was upset and offended. The visit did not end well (although in their defence they did give an attempt at apologizing, although it was a feeble one) and I really haven't been on great terms with them ever since.
Well one of those cousins has just gotten herself a Facebook account and on that account is a blog address. I made the mistake of clicking on it, since I am a blogger too I thought we could maybe find some level ground. Oh was I EVER wrong. She has discovered Jesus, which I think is awesome. The problem I have is with her post on discovering her cousins on Facebook. She basically says that she has stayed away from us since she never felt like she belonged (she calls us "those people" a bit too.) Which I find a bit annoying because we are anything but exclusive. She then goes on to say that "not one [of us, to her] knowledge follows Jesus." Like somehow THAT is an excuse. This is even more annoying because a more recent post of hers says that she's not an "out there" Christian and she has the gaul to judge us because she doesn't know us to be Christian? Let's face it she doesn't KNOW us at all! Not only that, but the only events she's been at are weddings, which have all been Catholic weddings! Arg and then there is this quote "I am staying in touch with my family by simply knowing their life, but I am not sharing mine. You might also notice that my Facebook page is not here on my blog. You too may be shocked by my family. So I am keeping you away from them as well! I'm living somewhat of a double life." So I feel judged and hurt all over again.
So here comes the controversy. I am Christian, I have no problem admitting that to anyone. I have a personal relationship with God that for me does not involve a church. In my youth I tried so hard to find a Church where I felt like I belonged and who helped me strengthen my bond with God. I didn't find one, but I found a lot of churches that made me question why I would even want to be a Christian. I was told that the world was ending by then end of that year (1997), I was told that God was going to spit me out, I was told my parents were going to hell and so on and so on. So in my quest to understand God I turned to an unlikely source a secular University. I took one course in particular that changed my life. In Origins of Christianity I studied Christianity from the days before Jesus (Genesis) to the years following his death. My professor talked about things that are historically proven that angered a lot of the people in my class (such as the fact that the only Gospel that COULD have been written first hand was that of Matthew and even that is questionable.) He taught us about the gospels that didn't make it into the bible. He taught the class like an atheist and I ate it up because NONE of that ever made my faith falter, not even a millimeter. Through that class I saw the God that I knew existed. I got to re-read the Bible and study it in detail and make up my own mind based on both academic and religious interpretations. I loved it. The last day of class that professor stood in front of the class and announced that he was a dedicated Mennonite. He, like myself has been able to learn about God without the influence of a church, it was a powerful moment for me and I have never forgotten it. I know God. I pray all the time and I turn to him in times of turmoil. I believe that we have to listen to God and he will always show us the way. It may not be clear all the time, but when it's not I know that I need to listen harder. I think we forget that sometimes, that we need to shut up and listen. I am not perfect, but I do try to be my best.
What upsets me about my cousin and people like her is that I always feel like my relationship with God isn't good enough for them. I feel judged and I am sick of being told about my soul and where it's going. I believe that only God can judge me, and although I do not mind "being called out" if I am doing something wrong I will not allow someone to tell me that I am inherently good or inherently evil. It is not up to me to judge others and I do not want to be judged. I am also sick of the ecclesiastical "one uppmanship." So many talk about the importance of knowing God, but then they tell you that you don't know him right.
Secondly I don't like the way that people who claim to be Christians feel as though it gives them a free pass to look down on others and to do as they please. I have another family member who goes to Church multiple times per week, host bible studies and preaches like a pastor on Sunday, but then she takes money from her elderly mother and then blames her sister. I know this is an extreme example, but I see way too many people who don't practice what they preach. Jesus taught us love and by judging others and looking down on them I don't think that we're really listening to God, we're letting pride get in the way.
HOWEVER I would also like to mention that I know many amazing Christians who just want to share God's love. Those who support you in your journey and who always want to share it with you. My intent with this post was not to speak badly of all Christians because I truly believe that the majority of us are doing our best.
As I said, I know that I am by no means perfect and I will never pretend to be, but I do my best to be the best me that I can. This is something that has bothered me for a long time. It is one thing to be judged by total strangers and another to be judged by your family.
With that said I will get on with my post.
I have a large extended family. My dad's side are catholic and all that that entails, so he had 7 brothers and sisters, and each of them has at least one kid, so I have 18 cousins on my Dad's side alone. Anyway we are mostly a very close group. There are 4 noteable exceptions, one due to family circumstances and the other three due to the death of one of my uncles when I was very young. I have been reunited with all of them in my adult life and that was great. Well it was sort of great. A few years ago the kids of my late uncle (well calling them kids is a bit of a misnomer, seeing as the two older ones were in their 30's with 2 kids apiece) came to stay with us so that they could spend time with my grandparents (the cousins were from the next province over.) I was ecstatic to have them in town, as family is very important to me, and I took them out to show them the city. I thought that we had a nice time catching up etc., but later when I was getting off work I called my parents' house to see what the plan was for the night and I heard them bad mouthing my driving and my car in the background. Needless to say I was upset and offended. The visit did not end well (although in their defence they did give an attempt at apologizing, although it was a feeble one) and I really haven't been on great terms with them ever since.
Well one of those cousins has just gotten herself a Facebook account and on that account is a blog address. I made the mistake of clicking on it, since I am a blogger too I thought we could maybe find some level ground. Oh was I EVER wrong. She has discovered Jesus, which I think is awesome. The problem I have is with her post on discovering her cousins on Facebook. She basically says that she has stayed away from us since she never felt like she belonged (she calls us "those people" a bit too.) Which I find a bit annoying because we are anything but exclusive. She then goes on to say that "not one [of us, to her] knowledge follows Jesus." Like somehow THAT is an excuse. This is even more annoying because a more recent post of hers says that she's not an "out there" Christian and she has the gaul to judge us because she doesn't know us to be Christian? Let's face it she doesn't KNOW us at all! Not only that, but the only events she's been at are weddings, which have all been Catholic weddings! Arg and then there is this quote "I am staying in touch with my family by simply knowing their life, but I am not sharing mine. You might also notice that my Facebook page is not here on my blog. You too may be shocked by my family. So I am keeping you away from them as well! I'm living somewhat of a double life." So I feel judged and hurt all over again.
So here comes the controversy. I am Christian, I have no problem admitting that to anyone. I have a personal relationship with God that for me does not involve a church. In my youth I tried so hard to find a Church where I felt like I belonged and who helped me strengthen my bond with God. I didn't find one, but I found a lot of churches that made me question why I would even want to be a Christian. I was told that the world was ending by then end of that year (1997), I was told that God was going to spit me out, I was told my parents were going to hell and so on and so on. So in my quest to understand God I turned to an unlikely source a secular University. I took one course in particular that changed my life. In Origins of Christianity I studied Christianity from the days before Jesus (Genesis) to the years following his death. My professor talked about things that are historically proven that angered a lot of the people in my class (such as the fact that the only Gospel that COULD have been written first hand was that of Matthew and even that is questionable.) He taught us about the gospels that didn't make it into the bible. He taught the class like an atheist and I ate it up because NONE of that ever made my faith falter, not even a millimeter. Through that class I saw the God that I knew existed. I got to re-read the Bible and study it in detail and make up my own mind based on both academic and religious interpretations. I loved it. The last day of class that professor stood in front of the class and announced that he was a dedicated Mennonite. He, like myself has been able to learn about God without the influence of a church, it was a powerful moment for me and I have never forgotten it. I know God. I pray all the time and I turn to him in times of turmoil. I believe that we have to listen to God and he will always show us the way. It may not be clear all the time, but when it's not I know that I need to listen harder. I think we forget that sometimes, that we need to shut up and listen. I am not perfect, but I do try to be my best.
What upsets me about my cousin and people like her is that I always feel like my relationship with God isn't good enough for them. I feel judged and I am sick of being told about my soul and where it's going. I believe that only God can judge me, and although I do not mind "being called out" if I am doing something wrong I will not allow someone to tell me that I am inherently good or inherently evil. It is not up to me to judge others and I do not want to be judged. I am also sick of the ecclesiastical "one uppmanship." So many talk about the importance of knowing God, but then they tell you that you don't know him right.
Secondly I don't like the way that people who claim to be Christians feel as though it gives them a free pass to look down on others and to do as they please. I have another family member who goes to Church multiple times per week, host bible studies and preaches like a pastor on Sunday, but then she takes money from her elderly mother and then blames her sister. I know this is an extreme example, but I see way too many people who don't practice what they preach. Jesus taught us love and by judging others and looking down on them I don't think that we're really listening to God, we're letting pride get in the way.
HOWEVER I would also like to mention that I know many amazing Christians who just want to share God's love. Those who support you in your journey and who always want to share it with you. My intent with this post was not to speak badly of all Christians because I truly believe that the majority of us are doing our best.
As I said, I know that I am by no means perfect and I will never pretend to be, but I do my best to be the best me that I can. This is something that has bothered me for a long time. It is one thing to be judged by total strangers and another to be judged by your family.
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