Dear J

I stood outside last night at 2am watching the end of the meteor shower and I thought of you. Remember that year our families went camping and every night we'd go to the beach and look at the stars? We saw the meteor shower then too. Now every time I see a shooting star I can't help thinking about that summer. I also think of that summer when I think of stinging nettles ha ha ha.

I also remember the year that we all went to Disneyland and you and I got those fedoras and matching mickey headbands. We had so much fun dancing to the music, riding the rides and just being kids. That week with you is one of my happiest childhood memories. I will always remember how happy your parents were and how crazy your little brother was.

I remember looking after baby T for our Aunty L. Can you believe that T graduated high school this year? Time flies! I remember singing him songs like "The Greatest Love of All" and playing peek-a-boo and watching him jump.

I remember the first time I saw our beloved dog Julie. I came into your house and you were holding her and I asked you if that was my puppy and you smiled and nodded. Your Mom was kind enough to keep the best puppy for us. I guess that's the service I get being the daughter of your Mom's best friend! We always loved Julie so much and we always loved bringing her back to visit her Mom!

I remember all the summers that we went to visit you at your grandparent's cabin in Point Roberts. We used to have so much fun exploring the beach and eating "American candy." Even as teenagers we always had fun together when we were there. I miss that.

I remember the time that you told me that you were huffing nail polish and I told my Mom. You and I drifted apart after that.

I remember the time that your Mom told us you'd gotten into meth and our hearts broke.

I remember the day that my Dad came and told me you died. You committed suicide because the voices in your head told you they were going to kill your family. I couldn't breathe.

I remember going to your funeral, it still doesn't seem real. That was two years ago almost to the day.

I miss you. I will always think of you fondly as I did even when you didn't think highly of me. I will never regret telling on you, if I hadn't I would have blamed myself for your decisions later in life. I only wish I'd been able to help before it was too late. You were beautiful and smart and funny. I will always remember that girl.

In two weeks I am getting married. I know that it is going to be hard for your parents. For them to see me alive and well getting married without you there. We crossed every finish line together as children. Our Mothers grew even closer because of it. It's not fair that your Mom doesn't get to watch you get married. It's not right that you aren't going to be there, not that you would have wanted to be there if you were still here, but I would have wanted you there. No matter what forces divided us as teenagers I always considered you my friend. I wish you were here.

I hope that wherever you are you are at peace. I miss you and still think of you often.

Until we meet again my friend.