My Life As You Know It

In the last 18 months my life has once again changed in ways I could not anticipate.  These changes fall into 2 categories (maybe 3): The good: I started an MBA program.  I am almost one year into a three-ish year program I bought a townhouse and I live in it all alone! The bad: Very suddenly and unexpectedly lost my mare. I am still recovering from that one, I have major anxiety about that almost daily. My precious little fluff muffin, Harley (my cat) developed kidney disease and a sarcoma on his jaw and had to be put down. I still miss him, all the time. I had some major professional setbacks at work. I injured myself at work, which has affected my life all around. I injured some nerves in my neck and dislocated a few ribs (do you know how easy it is to keep pulling your ribs out once they've been out once??) I haven't been working out for about the last year.  Remember all that progress I was making when I started my running journey? Well, that's all out ...

I have had this post in my drafts for over a year. This is something that I just need to get out, but I don't know how without sounding crazy or shallow.  I am not nor have I ever been pretty and that's something that consumes me every single day.  Every day I am confronted by the fact that I do not meet society's aesthetic measuring stick and it is completely draining. In a world obsessed with looks and beauty, I drew the short straw. I know this sounds dramatic and probably feels like I'm just another girl whining about her looks, but this is crippling.  I have zero confidence in my appearance and that stunts me in so many facets of my life.  I cry when I am trying to get ready to leave the house because I can't make myself look good enough.  I know that no one will ever love me because I can never meet anyone's expectations.  I silently berate myself when I'm out in the world for not trying harder.  When I'm passed over for a job or when my friend...

Please understand that I don't see myself as you may see me. Please understand that when you joke or make fun of me I take it to heart. Please understand that I struggle every day to find something, anything that I like about myself. Please understand that when I speak negatively about myself I'm not looking for validation and I'm not looking for you to tell me I'm wrong.  I am expressing something that I feel and believe to the very core of my being and it scares me. Please understand that I would give anything to know what it feels like to be beautiful, to know what it feels like to be sexy, to feel desired. Please understand that I hate being trapped in my head and I would give anything to get out, but this is where I am right now. Please understand that I still need you in my life because I'm not sure how to make it through this alone.

Hello long-neglected blog, it's been a while.  So much has changed since we last got together and I don't even know where to start. Basically in the last three years I have watched the world I built for myself come crashing down around me.  I am divorced, which is the last thing I ever wanted, yet here I am.  I lost my life as I knew it, my future as I knew it and now I am here on the other side of the country picking up the pieces and trying to figure out where I go next. It's not all bad news though, I did get back to the west coast and I am working for a company I love, doing something that I always dreamed of doing, but I'll get to that eventually. This is my first step on my new journey.  I'll explain where I've been as I try to figure out where I'm going.

I just registered for the 2012 Disneyland Half Marathon.  That means that within a year I will be going to Disney World and Disneyland to run!  How awesome is that?

Detox phase: 2 Foods I can eat: Fruits, Vegetables, Nuts, Seeds, Fish and legumes Cheats: 6 (Arg) What I ate today: Breakfast: Berry Smoothie Lunch: whoops Snack: Carrots and hummus Dinner: Salmon and Bok Choy So I'm on day 10 and I am crashing and burning pretty bad.  I'm not going to lie I felt like crap until I started cheating a bit and then my life became worth living again.  Before cheating I was STARVING all the time and all I wanted to do was eat tons and tons of crap, but then I ate a couple (literally probably like 5-6) potato chips and my entire outlook changed.  Suddenly my life wasn't about obsessing about food and what I could and could not eat, I was instead able to see my life clearly.  So yes I may have had a few slips (said chips, 2 spoonfuls of pb&j, 2 x a quarter pint of ice cream and I can't remember the last one) but I have been sticking to it besides that.  I am not going to totally fall off the wagon and abandon the w...

Detox phase: 1 Foods I can eat: Fruits, Vegetables, Nuts and Seeds Cheats: 0 (YAY ME!!!) What I ate today: Breakfast: Green Machine Smoothie Lunch: Butternut Squash Soup Snack: dried fruit and nut balls Dinner: Roasted Red peppers, Cauliflower, Sweet potato and toasted almonds Okay so I am on day 4 of the first week of the Whole Living Action Plan 2012 Detox.  How do I feel?  Well I feel hungry, all the time.  I want fries. SO. BADLY!  But I have also been sick so I have been getting along okay since I've been not eating a lot anyway.  Thankfully though the recipes they suggest are amazing (the Butternut Squash soup is sooo good) so I haven't been having a hard time finding something to eat.  Also I eat a lot of fruits and veggies anyway so my house is normally always stocked with yummy things.I miss dairy, gluten and added sugar so much, but I feel like I have made it this far I need to keep going. Strangely I don't feel much different physical...

So I did it!  I had a great time and raised a whopping $3140 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society of Canada.  I feel great to have been able to set a goal  and work my butt off to accomplish it! I was a bit slower than I had intended due to a knee injury that I am still dealing with, but I managed to finish in 3 hours and 4 minutes.  This run was amazing.  It is so well organized and there are such great entertainment throughout the race that I almost forgot I was running (or walking).  If you have ever wanted to try a marathon or a half I highly recommend a Disney event! I had such a great time at this run that I have decided to continue my running and have signed up for a 10k in April and another half in August!  Yay!  I'm so excited.  If only I COULD run right now... I am in physio for an ACL and IT band injury and it is making it hard to train, but what can ya do? Since I'm injured and can't run I've decided to ...

I hope you never get to know "that feeling."  The feeling when someone you love tells you that they have a disease that you have never heard of and that disease will eventually kill them.  We don't know when, but sometime in the future that disease will take hold and that person you love will have to go into treatment probably involving them getting pumped full of chemicals and having key parts of their anatomy replaced.  You know that this process will mean that they will be sick and in pain and despite this all that this treatment will do is give them time.  Time, not a cure.  There is no cure. What you do at this point varies.  Some cry, some get up and walk away and if you're me you sit there while every memory, every fight, every moment with them flashes through your mind, and every single thing you thought they'd be there to see becomes uncertain.  You tell yourself not to cry because you don't want them to see your tears. You spend the next ...

If you would have asked me a year ago if I would ever run a half-marathon I would have looked at you like you were crazy and said "I could NEVER do that!" Now I am running 18k and feeling great, so I started to ask myself what other things I could "never" do.  Was there anything I could "never" do?  I mean sure I will never be an Olympic gymnast, but I mean how many times do I tell myself that I can't do something?  (Hint: A LOT)  So I have decided this.  From now on I will set a goal and blog about it until I achieve it.  I plan on spending 2012 challenging myself to do something "I could NEVER" do.  I truly believe that changing the way I think and breaking these challenges down into small achievable landmarks will help me put that thought out of my mind. Do you want to join me?  What could you "never" do?  Let's do this together!  We can be accountabilabuddies! Seriously.  Join me!

"Running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it." -Oprah Winfrey This week I am back on the horse, sort of.  I am still having pain issues, which is resulting in some difficulty. I sat for an hour with the phone number of the physiotherapist on my phone terrified to press send.  Well now I have a goal for next week. As running becomes part of my routine it is still tough and some days I really need a boost, hence the fact that I have decided to dedicate this post to inspirational quotes.  Besides that great quote from Lady O, here are a few more of my favorites: "Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'"  - Peter Maher, Canadian marathon runner "The miracle isn't that I finished.  The miracle is that I had the courage to start." -John Bingham "Remember that the feeling that yo...

So I know that I have been all pumped over the last 8 weeks talking about how great things are going and they have.  This week however I am going to talk a little bit about the hard parts. So first there's the pain.  I have CRAZY bad pain in my left knee, which I am pretty sure is largely due to the fact that I have a flat foot because I broke my ankle when I was 16 and I have a screw in there to this day.  Basically when my foot flattened it put my whole left side out of alignment and now I get really bad knee and hip pain.  I have to start going to physio to deal with this, but I am afraid to call because I hate having to speak French on the phone. The next pain is the lovely muscle pain.  After running (well running for 10 mins and walking for 1) for two and a half hours one is not just going to stretch and be good to go.  It hurts and I can't walk up and down stairs.  The muscle fatigue lasts for a few days and that is not much fun either. Cr...

So the running is going well, surprisingly.  I did my second 16k run yesterday in just over 2 hours.  I am happy to say that with that I am on track to do the full 21.1k in 2 hours 45, which is my goal.  This is VERY slow, but I never had any allusions about being fast!  To be perfectly honest I am pretty sure that I could run the full 21kms right now at this slow pace and that to me is insane!  I am not a runner, but I am now running for 2 hours and feel amazing afterwards! If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be doing this, I would have told them they were nuts.  I never would have thought that I would have the motivation and drive to get this done, but now I am doing it and truth be told I am actually enjoying seeing how hard I can push myself. This week's runs look a little something like this: Tuesday - Tempo 6k Thursday - Hills  (Boo!) Saturday - Steady 6k Sunday Long slow 18k (yay another 2k!) The fundraising is going ...

So I am still in training for my half-marathon and it's going.  Not going great, just going.  I have been having really bad knee pain that has been completely destroying my ability to train.  To combat that I am going to start going to physio and we have bought a treadmill, which is really helping to take the impact off my knee.  So I am keeping at it. I am still waiting for the weight to start to come off, as I am feeling a little gross.  I can attribute that to the amount of baking I have been doing and the fact that I have not been making a lot of dinners and buying a lot of  meals on the go. On the plus side we just had a conference call with a nutritionist (one of the many benefits of the Team in Training Program! :)) and we found out that we're doing a lot right!  She spoke a bit about mineral content in foods and how organic food tends to be grown in more mineral-rich soil, which means that it isn't as mineral depleted as a lot of ...

So I am in the thick of things and running 4 times a week to help the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  It is hard and I am not going to lie I am struggling a bit, as I have a bad knee and it keeps acting up, but I will keep at it.  I NEED to keep at it for my sanity! Lots of people ask me what my training schedule it like, so I thought I would share a snapshot of what's up this week: Monday - off Tuesday - Tempo 6k (Meaning I run it a little faster than my race pace, so for me it is like turtle pace instead of snail pace ha ha ha) Wednesday - X-train (YOGA!) Thursday - Hills (run 800m up hill 7 times, plus a 2k warm up and 1k cool down.  I am not going to lie I hate Thursdays!) Friday - off (This is my only real off day as I ride and/or play softball all the other days) Saturday - Steady 6k Sunday - Long Slow 14k (I also hate Sundays) So that's what my running week looks like.  I have started to listen to audiobooks as I run instead of music in hopes that I...

So I haven't been around in a while.  Stuff has been happening, most of it out of my control and none of it I can talk about.  What I can talk about is that I have been stressed out and super depressed.  Until today I have not felt rested in about 2 months.  I have lost my appetite, but am not losing weight.  I cry randomly almost unprovoked, and I am not a crier.  The rest of the time I put on a happy face and go on with my life.  But it hasn't been working. You see this "thing" that is happening isn't happening to me exactly, and the person it is happening to hasn't exactly told many people, so until this person does (and I hope it is never because they won't tell anyone until they NEED to and I REALLY hope they never NEED to) I am not going to say who or what I am talking about.    Confusing right?  Yeah well I have a secret and it is killing me. The few people I have told have told me to "think positive" because it could never tu...

I recently started doing Bikram yoga and, I am not going to lie, it has turned into an obsession.  I really love it!  As many of you know I have been a little shall we say dissatisfied with my appearance as of late and I really wanted to shake things up and try to get out of this funk, so when a new Bikram's studio opened 15 mins from my house I decided to give it a try.  I was scared out of my mind the first time as I have heard so many conflicting things about Bikram's, but I swallowed my fear and gave it a try and I am so glad that I did. Bikram's is hot yoga (practiced in a 40 degree Celsius room with 40% humidity) so I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it, but I read up about it and heard that you should go15 mins early to get accustomed to the heat and that helped a lot.  Now when I go and I am walking up to the room and I feel the heat coming from under the door it instantly calms me.  I love warmth and nothing could be better to snap ...

I am going to warn you straight off the bat.  This post is going to offend some people.  I don't mean it to, but you can never have this discussion and NOT offend someone. With that said I will get on with my post. I have a large extended family.  My dad's side are catholic and all that that entails, so he had 7 brothers and sisters, and each of them has at least one kid, so I have 18 cousins on my Dad's side alone.  Anyway we are mostly a very close group.  There are 4 noteable exceptions, one due to family circumstances and the other three due to the death of one of my uncles when I was very young.  I have been reunited with all of them in my adult life and that was great.  Well it was sort of great.  A few years ago the kids of my late uncle (well calling them kids is a bit of a misnomer, seeing as the two older ones were in their 30's with 2 kids apiece) came to stay with us so that they could spend time with my gr...

Have you guys checked out the "stats" option?  I just did and I am not going to lie I freaked out a bit.  I have traffic coming from Eastern Europe, Asia and the Middle East (including Iran!)  Since this blog is mainly about my life I am not going to lie it freaked me out a bit.  It made me wonder if I should close this blog and start up a more anonymous one... What do you guys think?  (Not that anyone reads this anymore!) :P

That's right I have been keeping something from you.  I have been in the process of adding another member to my family.  I have been waiting until things were certain before I told people. That's right, I've bought a horse.  Her name is Kassandra, she'll be 4 this year.  She's a Selle Francais (French warmblood) and Thoughoubred cross.  I am actually still a bit stunned that this has actually happened.  I didn't think that I'd buy another horse after the death of my last mare two years ago.  But I felt ready and I was lucky enough to have this horse in the barn that I ride at and she was for sale!  So the stars aligned and I am once again the proud owner of another horse.